so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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