Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pants are for mortals
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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