She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize