we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize