I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
