who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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