She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
