"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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