Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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