you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
