I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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