If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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