so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize