So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
