i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Vodka?
Forever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
