this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
