my room smells like sperm. sweet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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