I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
