I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
