So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
