Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
