Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
