I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
