What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
