I just threw up on my dentist
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm always down for nudity.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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