the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
