im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
