"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
