I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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