remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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