God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
