I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
