i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize