I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
