You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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