we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
