Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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