I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Randomize
