I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize