I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
