My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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