I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
