When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize