Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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