There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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