I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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