Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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