Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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