the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
