I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
