Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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