Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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