Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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