he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize