You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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