I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
