3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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