i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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